Trouble Sleeping

It is just after 4 in the morning and I've been lying awake for 45 minutes now. I'm hoping that if I write all this crap down that is going through my head that perhaps I'll be able to squeeze in at least another hour before Donavynn wakes up. Everyday I worry about him. I worry that he could get sick, I worry that, well I can't even write the words because it hurts too bad to think it. And last night I got another reason to worry. We noticed that there is a weak spot in one of our bathrooms, right near the tub. We assumed it was from the floor getting wet after baths, or even the flood we had in there in July after the pipe broke. We also assumed that we would just fix it when we got our tax money and that it would likely be no big deal. Until my dad and Dave started digging around and removed the panel that shows you the plumbing to the tub. There it was discovered that the pipes have been leaking for God only knows how long and the entire floor under the tub is completely rotted. So this isn't going to be a simple easy fix. And my dad said he thinks it is far too wet for mold to grow because mold needs damp not a freaking puddle. But I still worry. Donavynn is extrememly immunosuppressed, what if there is mold? Obviously the problem needs to be fixed and Donavynn and I will have to stay with my parents while it is being done... but I'm still going to worry. I know that worrying doesn't really help anything but I can't help it, its in my nature. I just can't believe this nightmare. So my dad is going to come fix the leaking pipe tomorrow so that that mess can start to dry out and then as soon as we get our tax money we have to gut the bathroom. I'm telling you, if I had had my way we would have rented forever. Owning a home sucks! Last year it was the furnace, now this.

Anyway, I have to take Donavynn to check his counts when we get up to see if he can be admitted tomorrow. But he has been complaining of the same sore throat that Cheyenne and I have had for the last two days. He doesn't have a fever thankfully but his throat is red and irritated and he does have a cough. So tonight I put the vicks pad in the vaporizer and that seems to have helped, he isn't congested or coughing for now. I just hope that it clears up on its own and soon. I wonder what the protocol is for that if there is no fever but there is a sore throat will they go ahead with treatment? I'm eager to see what his counts are. I don't even know how I'm going to make it through the next 2 years. February is going to be marking our third year of this battle and it doesn't get any easier. I was finally to the point where I was feeling good about things when he relapsed. Now his counts are constantly low which alters so much of our lives and makes things even harder than they were before. I just need to sleep but to do that I have to have a clear head. I don't remember the last time that I had a good nights sleep. I wonder if I'll ever know what that feels like again.

On the upside, if you haven't noticed from the pictures, Donavynn's swelling has gone down finally. His belly went down right away but it took him a long time to lose that moonface look the steroids give. And now he is finally starting to look like himself again, only bald. I've finally adjusted to that look again, though I miss his hair. It does help that he likes to be bald. And that he has a little ring of hair around the back of his head like balding men do, like Dr. Shore does! lol And Donavynn will tell anyone who will listen "I look like Dr. Shore!" Which cracks me up, especially when he told the good doctor that himself!

I have spent the last two days cleaning, weeding things out and trying to get organized. And Donavynn was a great help with that. He loves to help and it is so nice that he is currently feeling well enough to do so. I was so excited the other night because I made brocolli to go with dinner and Donavynn loves that so I thought that for once he would join us for dinner - most of the time he doesn't because he only eats when he wants to because his appetite is so poor due to the chemo. And he did sit down, he took two bites and got sick. Which to me is expected, I've been dealing with this a lot so you clean it up and move on. No point fretting about it. But it causes Dave to worry, he has asked a lot if it is ok that he hasn't really been eating. And I just tell him that they are happy if he is drinking and he does eat, just not that much. They keep an eye on his weight etc and will let us know if they are concerned. It just goes to show you, I'm not the only one in this house that is worrying, it's just I seem to worry about the bigger things that can go wrong. A poor appetite has been something he has been dealing with for 3 years now. But it is good to see Dave being more involved in everything. Don't get me wrong he is a great dad, I couldn't ask for a better father for my kids. But for a long time he distanced himself from anything that had to do with the cancer. I think that was his way of coping. Which is fine, we all handle it differently. But it has been much easier on me, and taken a little of the load off of me recently since he has started to become more involved in his treatment and the day to day things that come with it. It has also seemed to make Donavynn happier too. He has really enjoyed the times that Dave has been able to stay with us at the hospital. I must admit that is pretty nice. But sadly he can't do it all the time, because he only has so much time he can take off and still get paid. Still any little bit helps us out a lot. It lifts Donavynn's spirits and gives me a little break every now and then. Well I'm sure by this point I'm rambling and I'm hoping that my mind is cleared enough now to sleep. Good night or good morning, whichever you prefer at this hour. I'll post again when I have his counts.